On Monday, we started a baseball season previews with a look at the Chicago White Sox and followed that up by checking up on the St. Louis Cardinals.

That leaves us with only the Chicago Cubs remaining on the firing line.  And if you thought I delivered salvos directed at the White Sox and Cardinals that were out of step with what you expect out of a baseball preview, just wait to see what I have in store for my beloved Cubbies.

Do you want to know what the highlight of the Cubs’ 2009 season was?  According to ESPN, it was the fact that 3 million people went through the turnstiles despite an83-win season.  Three million.  Yeah, I was one of them … but I’d rather watch a game between the Kansas City Royals and Washington Nationals than an episode of [Insert Popular Television Sitcom Such as "Friends" or "Grey's Anatomy" Here] any day of the week.

I’m just weird like that.

Other highlights?  Milton Bradley yelling at an umpire.  Milton Bradley not knowing how to count to three.  And Carlos Zambrano play the role of Chris Brown with the Gatorade cooler playing Rihanna.

But as a Cubs fan, you’re supposed to be happy there because a new sheriff is in town.

Tom Ricketts brings the dawn of a new day over to Wrigley Field, that’s the good news.  The bad news is he also brings back a good chunk of a ballclub that went 83-75.  And I’m still supposed to be excited about 2010′s prospects?

Of course.

Across the nation, fans are hanging their respective caps on the fact that their team’s brought in a big ticket acquisition.  In Boston, it’s John Lackey.  In New York, it’s Curtis Granderson.  In Philadelphia, it’s Roy Halladay.

So, this offseason, the new Cubs Overlord came and brought the fans of Cubdom a gift.

NEW CUBS OVERLORD: “People of Cubdom, fear not about 2010 for the asshole amongst us is no more, for he has been banished to Seattle.”

Via: http://stevematteophotography.com/

PEOPLE OF CUBDOM: “Great.  But what about the other assholes?”

New Cubs Overloard steps backward slowly and dashes toward the light.

CUBDOM: “I guess we’re stuck with the rest of these assholes, huh?”

So, while Halladay, Lackey and Granderson relocate in Philly, Beantown and the Bronx respectively, Chicago’s Northside adds Marlon Byrd.

Marlon Byrd?

Yep.

Marlon Byrd.

And get this.  I’m supposed to be ecstatic over the acquisition of a soon-to-be 33-year-old center fielder with a career .279/.340/.422/.762 line because his name isn’t Milton Bradley.

That’s the logic I’ve come to expect from the old regime.  Looks like the new boss is just like the old boss.

The Cubs’ second biggest acquisition is actually quite grandiose in stature.  Carlos Silva was the bounty for Crazy Unlce Milton.  A Jim Hendry special if I’ve ever seen one, Silva is coming off two unproductive years in Seattle where he “earned” $18 million and finished 5-18 with a 6.81 earned run average and a 1.617 WHIP in36 appearances (34 starts) with the Mariners.

Chicago expected Silva to compete for a job in the starting rotation or the bullpen to start the 2010 campaign.  However, Silva will likely be most competitive at the buffet table where he is expected to challenge Hendry for supremacy of the post-game spread.

Then there’s Xavier Nady, who owns a .304/.371/.441/.812 line in 28 career games at Wrigley Field.  However, he’s an outfielder whose arm is coming off a second Tommy John Surgery and whose throwing ability will be limited.  Expect the Cubs to adjust their relay men accordingly when Nady is out playing the field.  Also, expect relay throws to fall woefully short of their targets.

You really think Ryan Theriot, who crow hops with every toss across from shortstop to first base, is really going to put a crisp throw on the money to nail a runner at the plate?  Child please.

As for the returning assholes, let’s put it this way: The Cubs are spending $139.9 million to field this 2010 squad and there is not a middle infielder that can ride the teacup ride at Disneyland.

Cubdom is overjoyed that Ryan Theriot will be leading off this season.  The diminutive shortstop takes over for Alfonso Soriano, who has been jettisoned to bat sixth.  Popular belief says Theriot should thrive as a lead-off man and that Soriano’s power is better used in the middle of the order.  Fans will tell you that the Cubs left fielder’s power was wasted at the top of the order because the lead-off man bats only once.

Speaking of wasted at the top of the order, I’m going to need to be wasted when Theriot comes up.  Check this out.  Since 2008 (when Soriano came to the Cubs) Theriot owns a .299 on-base percentage in 57 plate appearances.  On the other hand, Soriano owns a .318 OBP in the 70 appearances he made as the lead-off man in 2009.

Yup.  Great improvement there, skippy.

The Cubs seem to be relying on a lot of ifs in regard to improving from an 83-win season.

If Geovany Soto passes without puffing and rejects a third serving of arroz con gandules, the Chicago catcher could return to Rookie of the Year form.

If Mike Fontenot hits puberty, there is a chance the Cubs second basemen returns to 2008 form in which he posted a .305/395/.514/.909 line as a supersub.

If Alfonso Soriano learns to lay-off breaking balls in the dirt and fastballs above his head, he could produce a 30-homer, 100-ribbie season.

All of that seems as probable as a busty bleacher babe jumping out of your computer screen and sitting on your lap wearing nothing but a bikini top and asking you to apply lotion to her backside.

A more likely possibility includes seeing an unemployed Kevin Millar working the Wrigleyville bar scene shirtless and grabbing a doorman’s ass and writing it off as increasing team chemistry.

So, what was the highlight of the Cubs’ winter?

Adding Greg Maddux.

Unfortunately it is 2010, not 1996.

And even then, Maddux shapes up to be a better option in than Silva or Tom Gorzelanny even as the Mad Dog turns 44 on April 14.

As you can tell, I am anxiously awaiting the season’s first pitch.

Yesterday, The Big Dead Sidebar kicked off its baseball coverage with season previews with a unique look at the Chicago White Sox.

Only here at TBDS will you get a satirical look at the St. Louis Cardinals, who finished the 2009 season with a National League Central Division championship.

And to be honest, I’m not even sure why I am writing this blog.  Cardinals fans hate this site and I am convinced I know why.  It boils down to one of two reasons.

1. This blog is primarily written by a Cubs fan.  Cardinals fans hate everything that is “Cubbie blue.”  Therefore, Cardinals fans hate TBDS.
2. Cardinals fans hate satire.  (Waits for fan to look up “satire” on dictionary.com)  That’s right.  You hate satire, don’t ya?
3. They hate this blog because they’ve read nothing on this blog other than the handful of posts with the “St. Louis Cardinals” tag and realize that I play with kids gloves in regard to St. Louis sports as compared to other targets.

I know some Cardinals fans that take to heart what I say about their beloved ballclub or the self-proclaimed World’s Greatest Fans.  Truth be told, I’m playing with kids gloves in regard to my criticisms of St. Louis in comparison to the other teams covered at TBDS.

So, to the people of St. Louis, I ask for you to buck up and grab a Busch Light and strap it down for this blog.

Los Cardinales look poised to repeat in 2010.  With the dynamic duo of Albert Pujols and Matt Holiday anchoring the offense, along with Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter firing bullets at the top of the rotation, it should be only a matter of time before the Redbirds are popping championship-clinching bottles.

However, there is only one thing standing in the way between the Cardinals and a second straight NL Central title.

Between double switches, batting the pitcher eighth and more lefty-righty match-ups than you can shake a stick at, only manager Tony La Russa can keep the Cardinals from winning a second consecutive NL Central title.

Many will claim La Russa to be some sort of biblical genius figure for winning titles with the Oakland Athletics and St. Louis Cardinals in his lengthy managerial career.  I prefer idiot savant, if anything.  Besides, how hard could it be to win with laboratory-generated, chemically-engineered physical freaks of nature.

La Russa, who is credited with 2,552 wins, has managed former Cardinals greats such as Rick Ankiel, Larry Bigbie and Fernando Vina, all of whom were named in The Mitchell Report for using performance enhancing drugs.

Another BALCO baller — who is currently on the Cardinals roster — is closer Ryan Franklin.  At age 36, the converted starter blew up and saved 21 games in the first half with a sparkling 0.79 earned run average in 34 appearances.

Then, reality pimp-slapped Franklin in the second half, culminating in a September to remember.  He had only allowed six earned runs prior to Sept. 1, but the implosion occurred shortly thereafter as he allowed seven earned runs, on 15 hits, 10 walks and a ballooned WHIP of 2.679.

And that was just the beginning as Franklin served up a game-losing rally in Game 2 of the NLDS against the Dodgers, collapsing after Matt Holliday tried catching a line drive in left field with his nutsack.

A stout advocate of firearms in the locker room, surely Franklin would have turned it on himself before Redbird Nation did it for him after the devastating late-inning defeat.

(Aside: And don’t say you wouldn’t because I remember the Facebook statuses and Twitter posts that wanted to push Holliday and Franklin off a bridge and into the Mississippi.  I digress.)

Surely, Cardinals fans are excited about one of their non-enhanced players such as Colby Rasmus, who posted a paltry .216/.278/.314/.592 line in the second half as a full-time center fielder.  All while gaining the adoration of hot-pants wearing on YouTube who needed just a lil’ bit more T-Pain in her voice, an ID card and consent from her parents to hang out with Robert Kelly.

Or right fielder Ryan Ludwick, who saw a steep decline in production of home runs, RBIs, walks, batting average, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, OPS, total bases, doubles, extra base hits, runs and groupie lovin’.

The one question in the Cardinal clubhouse (other than who’s driving home La Russa tonight) is at third base where rookie David Freese takes over for Mark DeRosa.  What he lacks in stubble, Freese can make up by posting anything better than a .228/.291/.405/.609 line.

And with Mark McGwire “tutoring” St. Louis’ young hitters, Freese should be good for eleventybillion home runs and fortyquintillion ribbies in 2010.  Am I right?

The one thing St. Louis does have going for it is catcher Yadier Molina, who represents one of Puerto Rico’s three main exports.  The others being sexy ladies and Bacardi rum, Molina is arguably the best defensive catcher in baseball.

That is usually where I would find myself ending on a snarky note, but I know when I visit St. Louis this summer, there will be a distinct possibility that Molina and I will be in town at the same time.  And the last thing I want to do is tip off Missouri law enforcement= that there are two Puerto Ricans in the state at the same time, let alone the same city.

And rather than go through 30 teams you would rather see jump off a cliff and into a pool of hungry sharks, TBDS has decided to focus on the three teams fans of this site care about.

The White Sox.  The Cubs.  And (gasp!) the Cardinals.

Only here will you get a satirical look at the Chicago White Sox, who finished with a 79-83 record and 7-1/2 games out of first place in 2009 behind the Minnesota Twins and Detroit Tigers.This offseason, the Chicago White Sox entrusted Ozzie Guillen to help orchestrate the re-tooling process that South Siders hope results in a turnaround being only one year removed from an American League Central Division championship.

I’m not sure how wise it is to entrust a man who tweeted, “Very nice day at work loved they are luck good,” but hey, it’s not my ballclub.

Guillen is a great manager in terms of being a motivator, and trust me when I tell you there is no motivating tool bigger than an angry Latino barking at you.  The only difference between Guillen’s disciplinary tactics and those found in your stereotypical Latin family is the use of “La Chancleta” for punishment.

Other than that, I’m grasping for straws trying to defend my Latin compadre.

I guess if all else fails, White Sox fans can place the blame squarely on the shoulders of Kenny Williams.

And why would you want to do that to the only general manager that has been able to bring a World Series title to Chicago?  Simple.  Because he hasn’t done much since.

Williams re-tooled the roster in the offseason and took his field general’s train of thought into consideration.  The result?  Adding Mark Teahen, Juan Pierre, Andruw Jones, Omar Vizquel and J.J. Putz.

Let’s start with Jones, who was a teammate of Guillen’s when both played in Atlanta from 1998 to 1999.  Close your eyes and remember that over those two years, Jones hit 57 home runs, drove in 174 RBIs, stole 51 bases and OPSed .843, all while playing Gold Glove defense.  Now, open your eyes to Jones, who has hit 46 home runs, driven in 151 runs with an OPS of .696 since 2007.  To put it in perspective, it was only 2005 when Jones hit 51 dingers and drove in 128 ribbies.

He is expected to be part of the DH platoon and will likely primarily face lefties, where he is owns a .207/.336/.389/.725 line against southpaws over the last three years.

Omar Vizquel should have retired after the 2006 season.  He had an on-base percentage of .361, stole 24 bases and collected 171 base hits.  Since then, Vizquel has aged quickly, compiling a .301 OBP, 23 swiped bags and 232 hits.  Unless Vizquel gets on the Dr. BALCO plan, the Venezuelan shortstop is making a reported $1.375 million to tutor Alexei Ramirez.

If I knew there was that much money in tutoring, I would have never gone into journalism.

Williams also channeled his inner Jim Hendry by trading a pair of pitching prospects to Los Angeles for the black Scott Podsednik and gave a guaranteed $3 million to a reliever whose next pitch could be his last as he comes off a shortened-season because of arm problems.

The least suspect of these moves was the acquisition of Mark Teahen, but at what point do you want a third baseman whose 27 home runs and 109 ribbies over the last two years is about on par to an Aramis Ramirez “down” year in 2008 when he hit 27 bombs with 111 driven in.

Taking that into account, along with the light-hitting, heavy-pocketed Alex Rios patrolling center field, the White Sox must be thinking Jake Peavy, Mark Buehrle, Gavin Floyd and John Danks will each win at least 20 games by a 1-0 final score.

But unless the fences move back, the designated hitter is abolished, the mound is raised and the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Rays, Rangers and Twins all secede to the National League, it’s not going to happen.