White Sox 3B Mark Teahen, Teammates Like Justin Bieber

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Throughout time, every battle has had direct missives intended to put a destructive end to conflict.

Harry S. Truman had the atomic bomb.

George W. Bush had shock-and-awe.

Nas had “Ether.”

Now, Chicago Cubs fans have their own ammunition in their battle against rival fans of the Chicago White Sox.

Justin Bieber.

Via Joe Cowley’s piece in the Chicago Sun-Times:

Pop sensation Justin Bieber threw out the first pitch, and Gordon Beckham, Mark Teahen and Carlos Quentin couldn’t be more thrilled. Teahen has the Bieber song ”Baby” on his phone, and it’s his at-bat music.

No grown ass man should have a Justin Bieber song on his ringtone.

No professional baseball player shall have walk-up music by someone who is under the age of 21.

Did you see Roger Clemens warming up to Mindy McCready’s music?

Well, at least not at Yankee Stadium.

Starting from this point forward, the White Sox fandom that goes out of its way to care about the Chicago Cubs, their fans, the ballpark, the neighborhood or anything else associated north of 35th and Shields has the right to remain silent, for Bieber-mania will be used against you in the court of public opinion.

No more “da Cubz are gayyyy” jokes.  No more jabs at Wrigley Field’s location in regard to being close to Boy’s Town.  No more half-brained, dim-witted attacks on Cubdom.

Not so long as Justin Bieber is played at U.S. Cellular Field.

And to think, he threw out the first pitch at The Cell.  A place where fans have been known to attack defenseless old men and umpires with military training.

No one could get William Ligue off his burger-flipping duties for five minutes?

Bobby Jenks could have done America a huge service by whipping a four-seamer right at the guy’s grill.  A.J. Pierzynski could have made a few friends by delivering a crushing body slam to the teen pop star.  An Ozzie Guillen rant probably could have been a mind-altering experience in which Bieber would have felt the need to go into hiding indefinitely.

Instead.  None of the above happened.  Bieber is still on the loose.

Thankfully, I don’t listen to much radio these days.  So, I guess I’m safe from the musical stylings of a 15-year-old boy who croons about getting girls anything/any ring.

You’re 15.  You’re not buying an engagement ring or a wedding ring, are you?  You’re probably buying a damn ring pop.  So, do shut up, Justin.

The good news is that when you’ve got 6,200+ songs on your iPod, you’re thankful that none of them are by Justin Bieber.